I'm really not a fan of L/D relationships. I know a lot of blind people get in them, and I don't condemn them for doing so, but THIS is exactly why I wouldn't want one myself. I think it's so much easier for blind people to meet each other over the Internet in a forum where they won't be rejected for being blind. But I kind of view this as a shortcut. You eliminate a lot of the frustrations of finding somebody, but you also lose out on many of the joys of being in a relationship. I've never tried the distance thing, and don't really think I'd want to. I hope everything works out well for the both of you.

That's an interesting comment. I totally agree that if you're trying to meet someone, it's easier to do that online than offline (at least until you have a social network to draw upon). The interesting thing in this situation is that I wasn't at all looking for someone and I wasn't all that thrilled by the prospect of a long-distance relationship. Both of us acknowledge the issues with distance and agree that it isn't ideal. It's certainly not as if we're in a fairy-tale "everything will work if we wish it enough" existence. We're both to realistic for that.

You should consider reading the newsletters from David DeAngelo, not for the purpose of picking up women, but because he has a very interesting viewpoint and approach to women and dating. You can find archives of his mailbag here.

My thoughts...

Rangoon,
I must admit that I am not a fan of long distance relationships. In all honesty I cannot really claim that I know much about the subject seeing as how I
have never been in one until Chris. I have always dated fully-sighted males who at the furthest, lived with in driving distance, so this is frankly, really
rather new for the likes of me. Now…I am not opposed to it as I was 4 or so months ago. I like to think this is do to the treasure that I have found
in Chris. He is really unlike any other individual that I have been with and frankly, although he may live thousands of miles away, and he has a vision
problem I am not willing to let it go just for the sake of some difficulties. I would hate to live in the “what if” rather than the “what is” and what
this is, is a very good thing. And I just look at this matter very simply…If it is meant to be, it will work out and long distance will not be an issue.
If it does not however, then at least we would have given it a shot.

I too understand what you're saying Sam, and I too wonder why so many blind people date others who are blind, and in many cases embark upon a long distance relationship. THey're tough, and sometimes almost impossible to deal with emotionally. But I also don't think that most people, blind or not, go into a relationship saying "hmmm, I'm going to date a blind person today, and I want to make sure its a long distance relationship. I think those are swell." THe blind community is just small, so I think we hear about those relationships more often than not if they happen. They meet the person, blind or not, and see whats really inside them. If they like what they see (for sighted people, the external appeal takes a part in it unfortunately), they get to know the person and the spark, if tehre is one there, takes light and a relationship is born. Its not planned, it just is. And I think that if it works for the couple (I'm not a fan of l/d relationships but I think the one I'm in now is pretty neat), then so be it. If you find someone that you have that sprak with who lives close by, and you can make it work, great! But regardless of distance, I think relationships period are tough, no matter how far a person lives from you. They all require work, some physical contact, and most importantly friendshp and then love. Just my thoughts.

On behalf of Chris and I.

We both agree that sighted individuals are not the only ones who tend to judge others by their physical attributes. A person’s physical appearance is not number one on our list of factors that should be considered, however, we do think that physical attractiveness is important and worth a look. (Smiles) It is a fact of life that we all judge people in some form or another. Furthermore, this isn't such a bad thing. Others will certainly judge us, both singly and as a couple, using their own factors; doubtless one of these will be the physical. We must all play this game to some degree.

My Responses

I want to respond to some points made by and djner.

1. First, I very CLEARLY stated that I am not opposed to blind people engaging in long-distance relationships. My concern is that blind people often choose this as the "easy route" because it beats the alternative of conquering the fear of rejection and the barriers imposed by the sighted world. Somebody mentioned that blind people get to know each other on a more intimate level over the Internet. That's my whole point! We should be striving to know the sighted people in our backyard as intimately as our blind friends on the net.


2. I disagree that sighted people judge on physical attractiveness and blind people solely judge on character. This is a HUGE stereotype that blind people use to make themselves appear morally superior. Let's not kid ourselves here; if we couldn't recognize our partner for their physical beauty, then we would have less to appreciate about them.


3. I found it interesting that Neph said she "used to only date sighted men who lived at least within driving distance" from her. This brings me to my next theory I'm going to throw out. I think it's easier for blind women to date sighted men than vice versa. Men are not typically the ones being pursued. Women don't risk nearly as much rejection as men. I'm not saying women have it easy; they have to be attractive enough to be desired. But I think sighted men are more open-minded than sighted women only because men are shallow enough that they will date a woman as long as she is visually beautiful.


4. I disagree that the number of L/D relationships seems larger because the blind community is more closely connected. Of course the sighted population engages in more L/D relationships because they are a bigger population. But I think proportionally, we would probably beat them. I think denying this fact is denying the very essence of what I'm saying: that many blind people turn to L/D relationships because it's tough getting accepted by the sighted community. In addition to the normal level of rejection that we all face, there's the added fear that we will be rejected because of our blindness.

After reading through this discussion, I just want to make a few points:

• Whatever type of relationship, both parties being blind, both sighted, or half and half, I strongly believe that if both parties want it to work, they'll make it work, long distance or not.
• I also believe that everything happens for a reason. True, both controlg and nefsnirvana have both admitted that neither were looking for a relationship when they found each other, but maybe that's just it, neither of you were looking, and the certain circumstances presented themselves. Or perhaps you didn't *think* you were looking, didn't want a relationship, but deep down, subconsciously, you did. I know, that probably sounds weird, but I'm being serious. In truth, (I'm not sure about djner), but I wasn't exactly looking when the circumstances presented themselves between Noel and I, and I found myself in a relationship. In fact, I had given up looking, thinking that if it was meant to happen that I find someone, it would. I'm not the most experienced when it comes to relationships, (I haven't dated scads and scads of guys), but sometimes you have to just go with it, and let your heart take over. Again, call me crazy, but just work with me here. I was a bit scared of doing just that when presented with the prospect of a relationship, but I finally just gave in, and I can't tell you how much of a relief that was. Sometimes if you don't just give in, it can only hurt you and the potential relationship. Sometimes logic isn't the answer, and it might even be to your disadvantage to try and rationalize yourself out of sticky, difficult and scary situations. It's scary, and it won't ever always be easy, but, like I said, if both parties are willing and committed to making it work, then I strongly believe that it will. I think that everyone wants an ideal relationship, both parties being close by, but sometimes that just won't work. The key, at least for me, isn't distance, but compatibility. I don't care if the dude I'm in a relationship with is as far away as being in the middle of the Sahara desert, or as close as to be in my backyard, if we aren't compatible, there is no sense in pursuing anything. I agree that if Noel and I lived closer, it might be easier on both of us, but that isn't probable, at least for the moment, so we have to deal with the cards that have been dealt out to us. I also don't necessarily think that distance can make it easier. I also think that sometimes being far apart can strengthen the relationship. When the two parties live a considerable distance from one another, this usually means that they aren't able to see one another as much as both may want. In this, I think that when the two *are* finally able to meet and spend time together, the time spent between them is valued and cherished a lot more than if they were to see each other on a daily basis. That's just my take, though, for whatever it's worth.
• I, too, believe that friendship should come first, and love later. This way, if anything ever does happen, and you end up not being together, you will stil undoubtedly be friends. Some people just rush into it, skipping the friendship thing, but I definitely could never do that.
• I also don't think that it's easier for blind women to pick up sighted men. Whether it's that I'm too weird, or 99.9% of the sighted guys I've ever come across are just immature, I don't know. I'd like to think it's them, though. ;)

Now that that's taken me an hour or more to write, I'll leave you with those musings for now.
Good luck to both of you. I hope what I've said has helped, even if only a little bit.

Logic is ALWAYS the answer! Every engineer knows that! Haven't you read Dianetics? Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

It's obvious that my point is being lost, so I'm just going to give up. Of course the two have to be compatible, but my point not lies within compatibility, but where one is LOOKING to find that compatibility. Now most parties here have admitted to not have been "looking." Why? Because you believe in fate? Because you believe that only good things happen to you when you don't make them happen yourself? How many of you have tried to approach somebody of the opposite sex and initiate a conversation with them? It's hard enough doing it with the same sex. You don't know:

1. Whether they have a friendly or hostile look on their face


2. Their assessment of you and of blind people in general

If it's someone of the opposite sex, you don't know:

1. Whether they are wearing an engagement or wedding ring


2. Whether their S/O is standing right there

My point is how hard do we try to find people who are compatible with us right where we are? I think we as blind people tend to congregate with other blind people because we know we will be judged for who we are rather than the fact that we can't see. And relying on communication mediums like the phone/internet reduces the risk and the fear. I'm not saying that these mediums should not be used; I'm saying that they should not be used IN LIEU OF conquering our fears of rejection and not breaking down the barriers to be accepted in a sighted world.